Opinion: Many managers are promoted for their technical ability without being taught emotional intelligence or self-regulation. The result is poor workplace behaviour that damages company culture, argues communication expert Leah Mether.
Most of us assume that when we leave high school, we’ll also leave behind the gossip, cliques, passive-aggressive behaviour and playground politics that came with it.
But sadly, many workplaces still feel remarkably similar to the schoolyard.
The eye rolls in meetings. The whispering after someone leaves the room. The alliance building. The people who smile to your face and complain about you five minutes later in the kitchen.
And then there are the workplace tantrums: adults firing off aggressive emails, snapping at colleagues, shutting down in meetings or avoiding difficult conversations altogether. The behaviour may look more polished than it did in year nine, but underneath it is often the same: emotionally immature ways of dealing with discomfort, insecurity, conflict and ego.
This behaviour isn’t harmless. It damages trust, communication, collaboration and culture. Productivity suffers. Good people leave.
Leaders waste enormous amounts of time managing interpersonal drama instead of focusing on the business itself. Because people problems quickly become business problems.
Behaviour is part of performance
Too many organisations still separate behaviour from performance. Someone hits their targets, performs strongly technically or brings in revenue, so their behaviour gets overlooked, excused or minimised.
The high performer who intimidates people gets protected because they deliver results. The passive-aggressive employee gets excused because “that’s just their personality”. The technically brilliant team member who leaves everyone else emotionally exhausted is tolerated because they’re considered too valuable to lose.
But behaviour is part of performance. How someone communicates, handles disagreement, responds to feedback and treats other people directly affects morale, trust and team effectiveness.
A technically brilliant employee who makes people dread coming to work is not a high performer. They are creating organisational risk.
Childish behaviour becomes particularly damaging when it comes from managers. A leader who plays favourites creates cliques, while a manager who avoids difficult conversations allows resentment to spread.
A leader who takes feedback personally teaches employees to stay silent. And a leader who lashes out under pressure makes everyone else responsible for managing their emotions.
What might look like a personality quirk in a colleague becomes a cultural problem when it is modelled by someone with authority.
So why are so many adults still acting like this?
Part of the answer is surprisingly simple: many people were never taught how to communicate or behave effectively in the first place.
Most workplaces invest heavily in technical capability but very little in the human skills required to work well with other people. We teach people how to use systems, manage budgets and deliver projects.
Then we promote them into leadership roles and expect them to magically know how to regulate emotions, navigate conflict, give feedback and communicate effectively under pressure.
But those skills don’t appear overnight. Communication, emotional intelligence, self-awareness and self-management are learned skills. Many adults are still operating with the emotional habits and conflict responses they developed as teenagers because nobody ever taught them a better way.
Pressure and heavy workloads can amplify poor communication and emotional reactions. But stress is not always the cause. For some people, the eye rolls, blame shifting, clique building and avoidance are entrenched habits, whether the workplace is under pressure or not.
What leaders tolerate becomes culture
A lack of accountability is also to blame.
Many workplaces have never clearly defined what respectful, professional behaviour actually looks like in practice.
They assume emotional intelligence, self-awareness and good communication are “common sense”. They’re not.
Even when poor behaviour is obvious, leaders often avoid addressing it because difficult conversations are uncomfortable. They worry about upsetting people, triggering conflict, damaging relationships or being labelled harsh or unsupportive. So they stay silent and hope the issue improves on its own.
It rarely does.
When poor behaviour goes unchecked, teams notice. The message is clear: this behaviour is tolerated here.
Businesses need to do three things instead: define clear behavioural expectations, equip people with the skills to meet them and hold people accountable when they don’t.
Right now, many businesses don’t need more technical brilliance. They need more grown-ups in the room.
Leah Mether is a communication and human skills expert who helps make the people part of leadership and work life easier. She is the author of Soft is the New Hard: How to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure and Steer Through the Storm: How to Communicate and Lead Courageously Through Change.
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